


I Wish I Were Heather

by StarLover123



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: ALSO I CHANGED HIS LAST NAME, Be proud of me ya'll, F/M, God i listened to this song and realized that it was the PERFECT Hanahaki song, Hanahaki Disease, His name is Stephen Paar, Human Jeremy Heere's Squip, I don't know if i'll be putting that into S:BH, Im sorry ya'll, Inspired by: Heather - Conan Gray, M/M, No it's NOT pronounced Steven, Straight Jeremy Heere, but decided that i would do it as a story and just cut the second chorus and bridge out., but i just didnt mention it in the story., but if anyone wanted to animate this that'd be cool, but if i do, but it kinda is?, he's still like jeremy squip, how he is in that one, i orinally thought of making this an animatic, i wrote this in one day, it used to be williams but now its Paar, it'll be AFTER i finish the fic. bc then i'll edit it., its hard to explain., this really isint in the S:BH universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25162195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarLover123/pseuds/StarLover123
Summary: Before moving to New Jersey, and to Middle Borough, Stephen Paar had never really known what love was.But When Stephen met Jeremy Heere, he fell. And he fell hard.Stephen didn’t even realize it until he coughed up the first petal.
Relationships: Christine Canigula/Jeremy Heere, Jeremy Heere/Jeremy Heere's Squip
Kudos: 10





	I Wish I Were Heather

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, Y'all, I heard this song and I just KNEW it was the perfect Hanahaki song. so obviously I had to write something.

Before moving to New Jersey, and to Middle Borough, Stephen Paar had never really known what love was. Sure, he felt platonic love for his friends and family but, nothing ever really sparked with anyone. And that was okay. It meant he had less of a chance to get Hanahaki.   
  
But When Stephen met Jeremy Heere, he fell. And he fell hard.   
  
It wasn’t an immediate crush, it took months of hanging around this boy, privately, and in groups, before Stephen realized just how hard he fell. And Stephen didn’t even realize it until he coughed up the first petal.   
  
It had been 7 months since he and Jeremy met. And Jeremy was still madly in love with Christine. Or at least so it looked.   
  
The entire group was sitting in Jeremy’s room, as Michael and Rich were neck in neck in a heated game of Mario kart. Chloe, Brooke, and Jenna were quietly gossiping next to him. And Jeremy and Christine were on the other side of the room. Jeremy had his arm wrapped around Christine’s Shoulder.   
  
He looked so happy. His eyes sparkled when he looked at her. And she smiled so brightly. She was like an angel.   
  
But Stephen couldn’t help how he felt. He was jealous. He really didn’t know why. It wasn’t like he _liked_ Jeremy.   
  
Or at least that’s what he thought. That was until Jeremy leaned over and kissed her. Stephen could feel the tickle in the back of his throat but chose to ignore it. Or at least he tried to. He really tried to stop it.   
  
But the sensation got more apparent, and soon enough Stephen was heavily coughing into his hand.   
  
Normally, Stephen would have thought nothing of it, but then he felt something leave his mouth as Brooke patted his back. Stephen took a few breaths, not daring to look at his hand.   
  
“ You okay, Steph?” Brooke asked. Stephen nodded, slightly opening his hand to look at what had come out.   
  
A Petal.   
  
Specifically, a Marigold Flower. He’d studied each flower and their meanings a few years ago when his friend had the disease. Marigold was Jealousy. Stephen was Jealous of Christine…   
  
Stephen quickly closed his hand again, standing up. “ I-I’m gonna go to the bathroom. “ he announced, before quickly stepping out.   
  
“ Okay, Stephen!” Christine called after him. “ I hope you’re okay!”   
  
Stephen felt his blood boil. He didn’t want to hate Christine, But here she was. Just being perfect. Sure she was a little weird, but who wasn’t!? What mattered was that Jeremy loved Her. and not him.   
  
Stephen rushed himself into the bathroom, the pain in his chest suddenly apparent as he doubled over and began coughing into the toilet.   
  
The small boy didn’t even notice when tears started flowing out of his eyes, or when a pair of hands settled on his back. But when he finally pulled away from the toilet, he noticed the face of the red hoodie-wearing boy. Michael.   
  
“Are you okay? i-I mean obviously you’re not but- i- “ all Michael could do was rub his friend’s back. Stephen wasn’t one who liked affection all that Much, but this time, Stephen couldn’t help it. He turned and buried his face in Michael’s chest, Letting the taller boy hug him and shush him and he silently cried.   
  
After a minute, once Stephen calmed down, Michael spoke up. “ Who is it?” he asked. Stephen had to think for moment, retrace his steps. “ Jeremy. “ he ended up mumbling, pressing himself close to Michael.   
  
“Oh… that’s… really unfortunate… “ Michael said softly. Stephen nodded. “ Well, you’ll just, get the surgery then, right?” Michael asked. Stephen shook his head. “ What? Why not? “   
  
Stephen sniffled. “ I can’t afford it, Michael. A-And besides i- this is the first time i've ever liked somebody… I don’t just wanna lose that feeling…” Michael stared at him for a moment. “ Is that really worth dying though?”   
  
Stephen stayed silent, just clinging onto Michael’s hoodie. Michael sighed. “ Are you okay to go back in the room. “ Stephen shook his head. “ You go… I- I think I need some time to myself. “ he said, pulling away from Michael, seeming unsure. “ You sure?”   
  
Stephen nodded. “ Yeah, in fact, I think I’m gonna go home. “ He said, shakily pulling himself to his feet and flushing the toilet.   
  
“Want me to drive you?” Michael asked. Stephen thought about it for a moment, shaking his head. “ No. I’ll be alright. Cover for me? I don’t want Jeremy or Christine to know…” He said softly. Michael nodded.   
  
The two exited the bathroom, and Stephen made his way for the door.   
  
On the walk home, Stephen got to thinking. And that pain in his chest flared up again, and the tickle in the back of his throat spurred up again, but Stephen cleared his throat and pushed it back, walking a bit faster.   
  
As Stephen got home and flopped down onto his bed in his room, he noticed the blue cardigan hanging on the back of his door, and his heart ached. It was Jeremy’s. He still remembered when he’d given that to him   
  
_I still remember_

_3rd of December_ _  
_ _  
_ _Me in your sweater_ _  
_ _  
_Stephen had Severely underestimated how much he’d needed to wear that day. Sure, he’d lived in New York prior to New Jersey, But Stephen was under the impression that it would be a lot nicer. And this **was not a lot nicer.**   
  
Jeremy had just laughed at him and pulled off his cardigan. Sure, It didn’t do much, but on top of the jackets Stephen already had on, it was very helpful.   
  
Jeremy’s smile seemed to shine bright that day, sure, they’d only known each other for about a month then, but the two were already really close.   
  
_You said it looked better on me than it did you._ _  
_ _  
_“You look really nice in that cardigan, Steph. “ Stephen hadn’t realized at the time just how much his heart fluttered when Jeremy said that.  
  
“ Yeah?” he asked. Jeremy nodded. “ Yeah, you should keep it. At least for the winter. “ Stephen felt bad. This was Jeremy’s signature cardigan. But Stephen nodded. “ Yeah, sure. If you think it looks nice. Though uh. “ Stephen raised his hands, showing off how big the cardigan was. “ I think it’s a little big. “   
  
Jeremy chuckled. “ that’s why it looks so good on you! Cause it’s cute!”   
  
_“Only if you knew, how much I liked you “_ _  
_ _  
_Stephen turned over in his bed, trying to push Jeremy out of his thoughts, so he decided to open up his phone. Except for the face that didn’t prove too helpful, because his lock screen was of him and Jeremy. And Christine was in the background.  
  
Stephen felt the pang in his chest again and began roughly coughing out more petals.   
  
_But I watch your eyes as she walks by._ _  
_ _  
_The day they took that picture, it was February, it was getting close to valentine's day and Jeremy was rambling off his ideas. He and Christine weren’t _Technically_ dating. They were taking things slow. And Jeremy planned on properly asking her to be his girlfriend on Valentine's day.   
  
“That’s a great plan, Jeremy. “ Stephen said. Just because he wanted to see Jeremy all excited. Jeremy smiled brightly, bouncing happily, and his eyes seemed to sparkle.   
  
“ I know right! She’s gonna love it!”   
  
_What a sight for sore eyes_ _  
_ _  
_There was one thing that Stephen seemed to notice about everyone. Eyes. Everyone's eyes stood out to him, but especially Jeremy’s. They were blue. With the smallest bit of brown in his right eye. And when he was excited, they seemed to sparkle like the sun shining brightly on the ocean. And that’s Stephen’s favorite part about Jeremy.  
  
 _Brighter than a blue sky_ _  
_ _  
_ _She’s got you mesmerized_ _  
_ _  
_ _While I die…_ _  
_ _  
_Once Stephen finished up with his coughing fit, he stood up, cleaning all the petals off his bed, before sitting at his desk.  
  
He decided he needed to write his feelings down.   
  
Originally it was just meant to be a poem, but Stephen found himself humming a tune to it as he read it back to himself. Maybe it would be a nice song.   
  
_Why would you ever kiss me?_ _  
_ _  
_Just the day before Valentine's day, Stephen had run into an old friend of his, except for they were not friends. It was a girl who had a stupid crush on him and wouldn’t let him go. Stephen wasn’t even into girls. He knew that for sure.  
  
Jeremy had noticed. “ Hey, is that girl bothering you?” Stephen nodded. “ Y-yeah. Kinda, but I mean- it’s not like you could like do anything about i-” Stephen was wrong. Jeremy Could do something about it.   
  
He could kiss him.   
  
And He did.   
  
Stephen was shocked, the softness of Jeremy’s lips against his, and Stephen tried not to show how shocked he was, even after Jeremy pulled away. The kiss had ended way too quickly.   
  
Jeremy looked over at the girl, who was stomping off at the realization.   
  
“ that should keep her away for a while. “ Stephen silently nodded. “ Great, uh, let's go to class?” _  
__  
__I’m not even half as pretty._ _  
_ _  
_For a while, Stephen found himself comparing himself to everyone else in the group.  
  
Sure, Rish was short, like Stephen, But he was Built. He was strong. He liked that about Rich.   
  
And Jake. he had money. If he ever got hanahaki he’d be able to pay for the surgery.   
  
Michael was so Confident. He was proud of himself, his body. His status. Stephen could never be that confident.   
  
And Jeremy, He was everything. He was perfect. And flawless. Stephen wished he were that perfect.  
  
And so was Christine. She was Pretty, She did theatre way better than Stephen ever could, and She was a girl. surely if Stephen was a girl, Jeremy would like him then.   
  
_You gave her your sweater_  
  
Stephen looked back over at the Cardigan on the door, He’d have to return that to him. He was sure Jeremy would want to give it to Christine. She’d look even cuter in it than he did. 

  
_“It’s just polyester”_ _  
_ _  
_ Stephen stared down at the words on his page. He couldn’t use the name, Christine. He’d end up singing this in front of Jeremy at some point. He knew it. So he scribbled out her name and wrote the next best female name that came to mind.   
  
_But you like her better._ _  
_ _I wish I were ~~Christine~~ Heather. _ _  
_ _  
_ About a month or two later, Stephen Finally remembered to give Jeremy his cardigan back. And Jeremy had gladly given it to Christine Like he’d expected.   
  
It was just supposed to be the 5 boys of the group hanging out at the mall, but Christine had found them while shopping for some other thing, and Jeremy had invited her to come along.   
  
The two lovebirds sped up, the three males following behind.   
  
Stephen couldn’t help but look down at their hands. The two of them connecting. Their laughs seemed connected too. They were so happy.   
  
It made Stephens's chest hurt, and his eyes water and his hands clench his sides as he tried so, so hard to keep himself from coughing out more yellow flowers.   
  
_Watch as he stands with her, holding your hand_ _  
_   
Stephen couldn’t help himself, watching Jeremy put his arm around her shoulder made him shiver as he saw her in the cardigan he’d been using to calm himself down for months. It made him want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours.   
  
_Put your arm ‘round her shoulder, now I’m getting colder._ _  
_ _  
_ About 4 months into the whole Hanahaki thing was when Christine first found him.   
  
She’d come over to work on some theatre thing with him when she found the poor boy coughing onto his desk, unable to stop himself.   
  
She got him some water and sat with him until he was done.   
  
“You feelin’ better now, Steph?” Stephen nodded, looking down at his palms. He’d never wanted her to know. She would feel like it was her fault.   
  
But in a way, wasn’t kinda her fault?   
  
“ can I ask who it is?”   
  
Stephen wanted to tell her it was Jeremy. To tell her that he hated her. That this was all her fault.   
  
_But how could I hate her?_ _  
_   
Stephen stopped himself from doing so. She was only trying to care about him. Though, part of him hated her for doing so.   
  
_She’s such an angel._ _  
_ _  
_ _But then again kinda wish she were dead._ _  
_   
Stephen never told her.   
  
For months, she forced himself to suffer on his own.   
  
Or at least he tried to.   
  
One by one, Everyone in his friend group found out, helped him through a coughing fit. And his mom even found out.   
  
And then, finally, Jeremy found out.   
  
Or well, Stephen told him.   
  
Stephen decided that he didn’t want to die without telling Jeremy, at least. Because he didn’t want to throw away his shot, at Jeremy maybe liking him back.   
  
So, Stephen walked all the way to Jeremy’s house, despite his mother's strict rules ‘not to see this boy ever again!’ and knocked on the door. He hadn’t seen Jeremy in weeks. And sure, it was expanding his life span without the surgery, It was also hurting Stephen more than he thought.   
  
When Jeremy opened the door, he seemed to light up. “ Steph! Hey! Where have you been! I’ve been worried sick about you. “That made Stephen's heart flutter.   
  
“ Um, May I come in? I- I have something to talk to you about. “ Stephen stuttered out, already feeling the intense tickle in the back of his throat. Jeremy nodded, stepping to the side. “ of course! C’mon in. “   
  
Stephen stepped inside, putting the bag he had with him on the ground next to the couch, sitting down. Jeremy walked over and sat next to him. “ so, what’s up?” he asked.   
  
Stephen couldn’t look Jeremy in the eyes. Instead, he opted to look down. “I-...” He took a deep breath. “ I have Hanahaki. “ Stephen shakily spoke, not daring to look up at Jeremy once the words came out of his mouth. “ Oh… How long?” Jeremy asked. Stephen was just glad it was the same question as always.   
  
“ About a year. “ He spoke up. Jeremy seemed shocked. “ Stephen, you- you’re almost out of time. You- You have to tell them!” Jeremy stuttered out. Stephen finally looked up.   
  
“ I am! “ He spat. “That’s why I’m here. “ It took Jeremy a moment to process the words Stephen just said. “ You- You like me?”   
  
“Love. “ Stephen corrected. “ And- And I know you don’t like me back, I know you’re straight! Just- Just say it, get it over with!”   
  
Jeremy took moment to process the information. “ but- the rejection would- would kill you!” Stephen knew that. He knew he’d come here and either A: get to live, because Jeremy loved him back. Or B: get to die in Jeremy’s arms. Either way, Stephen knew it was the best way to go.   
  
“ I know. I wanna be like, your Eponine. “ He attempted, smiling softly. Jeremy teared up, pulling Stephen in a close hug. “ I don’t _Like_ you, Stephen. “   
  
Stephen smiled softly. “ I know. “ Stephen pulled a small piece of paper out of his pocket as the petals started up his throat, causing him to heavily cough. “ H-Here i-” he coughed, “ I wrote this for you. “ He pressed the piece of paper into Jeremy’s hand. “ I-I have a bunch of stuff for you- a-and the group- in my back-backpack there. “ He continued,   
  
Jeremy pulled him close. “ W-wait Stephen- “ Stephen shook his head. “ I kn-know what you’re gonna say, Jerbear, save it… I could-couldn’t get the surgery even if I wanted to. “ He stuttered and coughed out. 

  
Stephen let out a few hums. “ O-Open it. “ Jeremy tried to say something, but closed his mouth, obliging. He opened the paper.   
  
“I-It’s a song. “ Stephen said with a weak smile, finding it harder and harder to breathe and talk through all of his coughs   
  
_“ Why would you ever kiss me?”_ _  
_ _“I’m not even half as pretty. “_ _  
_ _  
_ Stephen tried to push down his coughs, to sing the chorus for Jeremy, who by now, was a crying mess and he held Stephen close to his body.   
_  
_ _“You gave her your sweater…”_ _  
_ _  
_ Stephen noticed he was also crying.   
  
_“It’s Just Polyester. “_ _  
_ _“But you like her better. “_ _  
_ _  
_ “Stephen Please!” Jeremy begged, crying as he listened to the boy's words. Stephen Closed his eyes.   
  
_“I wish I were…”_ _  
_ _  
_ Jeremy listened as the shorter boy’s breathing slowed, and then stopped, Jeremy searched for any kind of heartbeat or pulse.   
  
_Bump Bump  
  
_ _Bump-_  
  
Then it stopped. 

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, my ending was planned to be Jeremy confessing his love for him after he died, but I figured it hit harder with just that ending right there. 
> 
> Anyway, Yeah! it's 3:30 AM now so I'm gonna go to sleep. goodnight!


End file.
